I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Then you guys just all showered together...?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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