i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
