So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
