First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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