btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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