So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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