dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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