She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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