I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
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I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
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I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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