Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he shaved USA in his pubs
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hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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