Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
