woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
