brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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