My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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