I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
