Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
