So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
are you so shy because you have an std?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
