Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
