What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Drake has all the answers
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
