holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well I just put wine in my tea
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
