Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
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I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
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A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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