Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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