I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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