Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
