I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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