I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
