All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
