I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize