You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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