Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
