Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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