Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How does it feel to date your dad?