Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize