failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
