I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
