perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
