Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
