Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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