If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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