I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
