I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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