I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
