I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
