Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
