It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
