Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
