you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
