Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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