Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
