It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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