I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
