I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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