you guys were way drunker than both of me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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