Need sex. Gaining weight.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
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She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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