i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
