he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Damn victory sex feels great
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