i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
